no longer in control
Submitted by dmb2152 on Mon, 06/25/2012 - 14:11
I guess recently I have been in a funk. I am a take charge kind of person. I know what I want, set out to do it, and make it happen. For example, I received my Masters degree at the age of 22 yo without any financial assistance from family or student loans. It's not that I don't face hurdles, I just plan and follow through. My drive has gotten me pretty far, but FSGS has totally put a bigger roadblock than I had anticipated on my course. I can't control or predict how my body will react. I follow the directions of my doctor to the letter including eating healthy, taking all of my medications and vitamins, test at exactly the right time (trough of cyclosporine), and exercise. However, I can still get back these crappy numbers according to my labs. It is as if no matter how hard I strive to perform well on my tests, it is a gamble every time I hear my results. I am not used to having outside forces control my outcomes. I hear people say "Have faith", "Let go and let God", or just "You can only plan for so much". Although all well meaning and logical, it makes me want to scream, "But I have always been in charge!" I make things happen and even when I do face challenges or hardships, I overcome them. But with FSGS, I am flabbergasted at how much is outside my control. This is a really harsh reality that I struggle with constantly. I am sure I am not the only one feeling this way and would appreciate feedback and input regarding how you balance what you can and can't control with chronic illness. Thanks in advance!